So, Now I’m a Lesbian!

“Have I turned vegetarian? No. Did I not wash my hair for a week? Well… yes, that’s true… Do I not iron my clothes? Well – no – I don’t do that either… Shit – well – this little exercise isn’t really going the way I planned…”

Missing: My Sex Drive

“I’ve stopped watching porn, and I’ve only jerked off ONCE! [Mind you, this does not count the times other people have done it for me… hey hey – wink wink]“

“Thanks, but no thanks…” I’m not an escort

“There was one time when I was only just exploring my sexuality that I was offered $800 just to meet with a guy in a hotel lobby… Thing was though, I also had to be blindfolded when in his room…”

How to Know You’re Having Bad Sex

I’ve once asked a boy to pass me a glass of water while he fucking me… to which he was quite surprised. “No – don’t get out! Stay in, and just reach over for the glass for me… yeah – thanks… ok – keep going…” Obviously my mind was elsewhere…

Personal Grooming – Gone Wrong…!

…However, while feeling pretty damn good about myself in the process, I also got a little too excited and well, decided to grab out the razor…

Behind the scenes of last night’s Hey Hey episode:

Posted by James Findlay on July 22nd, 2010

As seen on Crikey Daily Mail: Section 13 – 22 July. 2010

Behind the scenes of last night’s Hey Hey episode: It’s not every day that you get the opportunity to see your idol perform live in a television studio, but all two hours of being an audience member of Hey Hey last night left me with was “I’ve got SO much to Tweet right now”.

Oh, and by idol – I mean Kylie Minogue – not the Abbott, as the papers are reporting this morning. I’m sorry, but putting Tony in Speedos doesn’t make him a gay icon. Give us SOME credit.

The Red Faces segment that everyone is talking about was the most cringe-worthy moment of the night. Red Symons came out beforehand to make sure we all booed him on his entrance — OK, fine.

But what I was most nervous about was the Opposition Leader’s entrance which was also laced with boos and hisses.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not a fan, and he certainly won’t be getting my vote. I don’t want a leader of our country preaching the Bible and telling me he’s threatened by what I do in the bedroom, but who would have thought the mullet wearing, hoodie-clad, hair-dyed studio audience of Hey Hey it’s Saturday would have been so vocal and, can I say, progressive? Probably not, but they still booed.

The producers were not impressed, as they paced the studio floor, with their hands on their shaking heads. Russell Gilbert even tried to calm the audience, which was even less effective than him trying to make them laugh in the commercial breaks.

… and I’ll admit — I joined in the booing, but I feel a little bad about it now.

He’s just trying to do his job, isn’t he? [albeit, badly]. Tony Abbott is still a living, breathing person, isn’t he? [albeit, possibly a poor excuse for one]… but I was caught up in the moment. Booing Tony Abbott was kind of like shaking someone’s soft drink before giving it to them… You get so much pleasure out of doing it — but at the end of the day, they’re sprayed with humiliation.

I’m not dead

Posted by James Findlay on July 2nd, 2010

Hey followers/readers/people!

I’ve got some exciting news! I’ve been announced as the new host of The Naughty Rude Show on SYN in Melbourne. Tune into 90.7fm on Sundays 8-10pm. If you’re not in Melbourne you can listen online at www.syn.org.au.

So – a round up of where I am:

God. I am a downright media whore…

… and sorry I’ve been inactive on here lately. What will happen next here is still in fruition… However, I’m still ‘microblogging’ on twitter… Follow me there…

LOVE YOU!

James xx

Not the End, Just a New Direction

Posted by James Findlay on May 30th, 2010

Recently I’ve been going through a lot of reassessment, and you may have realised there has not been a blog update for a couple of weeks. This blog has come a long way from when it began, starting as a travel blog of my sexual discoveries while in the USA, then grew to something much more permanent.

I’ve covered so many topics, and learnt a hell of a lot along the way. I also hope other people have learnt just as much. Some that stand out to me are:

In sex:

In relationships:

“That’s a bit gay” has been great fun, but after one year of blogging on (let’s face it – my sex life), it’s time to move into something new and exciting. Although not my primary reason for change, it’s fair to say TABG has taken its toll my relationships, and some people find it confronting dating “Melbourne’s gay Carrie Bradshaw” [I take that as a compliment – as much as we HATE Carrie most of the time]. But let’s be honest – those relationships were not going anywhere anyway…

I’ve had people sleep with me ‘cause of my blog. I’ve had people NOT sleep with me, ‘cause of my blog. I’ve had people know what I like in a man, ‘cause of my blog. I even had complete strangers ask how my PEP treatment was going – because of my blog.

It’s been one hell of a ride, but it’s time for a change. Stay tuned for a new website, some new content, and hopefully the same writing so many of you enjoy.

Thank you so much for your support, and continuing to enjoy what I have to say on the topic of sex and relationships. I believe openness and honesty on sexuality are major keys to success when it comes to sex and relationships, and hopefully I have encouraged people to talk about this topic that is becoming less ‘taboo’ than it was years ago.

I’m not going anywhere, I’m just going in a new direction, and I hope to see you there with me.

So, Now I’m a Lesbian!

Posted by James Findlay on May 12th, 2010

"Les Bieber"

I have been told if I surround myself with enough lesbians that I will eventually turn into one. Well, after describing what I’ve been up to in the past week to one of my lesbian workmates – it seems my transformation is complete…  And I didn’t even notice…

So what does this mean? How can I suddenly turn into a lesbian? Have I turned vegetarian? No. Did I not wash my hair for a week? Well… yes, that’s true… Do I not iron my clothes? Well – no – I don’t do that either… Shit – well – this little exercise isn’t really going the way I planned… So I’ll move on to the point…

I’ve been spending more time with a guy I met just over a week ago – than ANY of my friends – and even my bloody housemates… Yeah – just hand me that double pass to Tegan and Sara… Thanks.

It kinda goes like this:
•    Saturday: Meet – spend the night together spooning
•    Tuesday: Dinner date – spend the night together spooning
•    Friday: Meet up after being with friends – spend the whole night talking about our FEELINGS – spend the night together spooning.
•    Sunday: he comes around – with a hot drink, hangs out while I work, have lunch – spoon – NAP! – he goes home…

YES! You are reading this correctly! We’re spending all our time hanging out in bed, spooning and talking about our feelings… Apparently all we need is scented candles and long baths and I’d be one step closer to moving to Northcote to live with my ex girlfriend, her organic vege patch, and her pet dog.

It seems this is not only happening to me though. Talking to a mate, he revealed he’s been “chilling” with a guy for 3-4 weeks doing the same thing! Spooning and what not – and no sex! Just when I thought I was the only one – seems like its common. “I just really like spending time with him” he says, but continues to say he doesn’t want to talk about direction and where the “chilling” is going. Déjà vu? Seems like someone is just avoiding the situation by using the word “chilling”…

But hey – I spose there’s nothing wrong with this ‘spending time together’ without the sex, is there? After all – we all like something to keep us warm in this freezing weather…

Missing: My Sex Drive

Posted by James Findlay on May 7th, 2010

"Zzzzzzz"

It has only occurred to me in the last couple of days that I can’t actually remember the last time I had sex.  Now, according to Sex and the City, that means it has been WAY too long. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve kissed a couple of boys and got my fair share of attention, but in terms of penetrative sex – zero.  But should I be worried about this?

It’s not as if I’ve purposely stopped having sex, I just can’t be bothered. I don’t even feel like it. I’ve even stopped logging on to Manhunt and Grindr – cause I can’t even be bothered TALKING to people who want to have sex. I’ve stopped watching porn, and I’ve only jerked off ONCE! [Mind you, this does not count the times other people have done it for me… hey hey – wink wink]

Does this mean I’m turning into a straight guy? No wait – they always WANT to have sex, but just never have the opportunity… Scrap that thought…

So after consulting Google on this topic, I found a couple of things… mainly telling me I need to take some herbs and testosterone to get myself back to ‘normal’ – what a load of shit. I’ll be back on the horse soon [so to speak]…

But I DID find this:

“My boyfriend has a long history of low libido but when we do have sex his body stills responds – he gets aroused, seems to enjoy the moment and ejaculates. My greatest fear though is that he is only having sex for my sake – that though his body responds, in his mind he is just “going through the motions”.

Honey – sounds like he’s just not that into you, or his a complete dud root.

Anyway, back to me… I’m sure there’s nothing to worry about… and hey – perhaps this is a good thing? Perhaps it means I need a steady man? Perhaps I’m just over sex?

Perhaps I’m deluded.

Ask James Findlay: Retail Pick Up

Posted by James Findlay on April 30th, 2010

"How things going in there?"

People are always asking me questions about what they should do in certain situations. Whether it’s partner troubles, how to ask your crush in English class, or whether something’s a dealbreaker or not… Shoot it through to me, and I’ll have no problem in giving you my opinion ;)

Here is the first problem!

Hi James,

I need some advice please! Last Thursday, I had a break at uni so went shopping for some jumpers… This really cute store attendant was being, well, particularly attentive and we started chatting at the register – it got quite personal, like where we live, what our plans are for the weekend (he had no plans…), how long he’d been in Melbourne for… Of course, I was too far in love with the jumpers to notice the signs that he was interested, and just smiled and left.

Kicking myself afterwards, I went back later that day because a friend ‘wanted to check out the sales’. Anyway, as she was browsing, I took a seat in the store and the attendant came and continued chatting to me. Again, it got quite personal, I even asked him what time he was finishing work to which he replied ‘about 6…’. I was too chicken to do anything, and once again just left when my friend had finished looking!

Can I go back and ask him out? If so, what do you think is the best way to do it? I don’t really want to just ask for his number, in case he feels obliged to give it to me as a customer – bearing in mind this is a VERY upmarket store in a very upmarket part of Melbourne…

Thanks!

OK. I think a lot of us have been in this situation, and lets face it – we all love a retail or hospitality crush! I was devastated recently to find my hospitality crush was not only straight, but married, had a child, and loved Tony Abbott! [don't ask me how i found that out...]

… but back to you and your problem. Do it! Get back in there and give him your phone number. The worst that can happen is them telling you they have a boyfriend [trust me] – but you never know – they might be on the rocks, or they might like to “just be your friend”.

What I’ve done is gone into the store, ask for a pen and paper to write a note and write your name and number on there [or go in there prepared with number on the paper]. Then just give it to them saying “Oh, I thought you might want my number… in case you wanted to catch up sometime”.

Best of luck… and let me know how it goes!

James x

ps – does anyone else have any advice?

“Thanks, but no thanks…” I’m not an escort

Posted by James Findlay on April 14th, 2010

Escort Squarepants

Escorts, or as my housemates calls them, Gigolos [probably thanks to that awful sequel of movies], are not really something we see a lot of. I suppose it takes a certain type of person to become an escort as well doesn’t it? I never thought I would be appropriate for this line of work – until I was asked…

Now, it’s not the first time I’ve been offered money. There was one time when I was only just exploring my sexuality that I was offered $800 just to meet with a guy in a hotel lobby… Thing was though, I also had to be blindfolded when in his room… Blindfolded with a complete stranger? When I’m 18? I don’t think so – even if I was strapped for cash.

So – talking to this guy online, and he asks if I’d be interested in escorting… Now – the James in my head said, “ahh, no thanks”, but the writer in me immediately typed “what’s involved” … So he explained that I’d go out to client’s places and they’d pay me per hour, depending on what I was going to do – somewhere around $150-250 per hour.

Then he’s like – so are you free to meet up for a coffee so we can talk about it? Yeah – don’t worry about letting one sleep on it hey… Not that I needed to. Next thing you know, he wanted to meet in a park… “Yeah – that sounds safer hey” I thought… But then it turned into meeting at the local sauna…

Escort man: “u wanna meet at [the sauna]”
Me: “ahh, not really man… why there? You want to test me out? Haha”
Escort man: “so we can relax have a chat and i can get a good look at ur body. It’d be hard to see ur body at the park”
Me: “right…”
Escort man: “maybe there [will] be hung men there we can ask to test u out”

As hot as that might sound, that was as far as I was willing to take my ‘investigation’.

I’m not saying I have anything against escorts here, but it does come with a stigma. What people do in their spare time, and how they get paid for it is totally up to them, and let’s be honest – it’s a big industry with a HUGE amount of money attached to it.

At least I know what I can do if I end up jobless though, hey…

How to Know You’re Having Bad Sex

Posted by James Findlay on April 7th, 2010

This couple are going by the book...

This week, my left hand woman alerted me to an article in this month’s Cleo Magazine entitled “Bad Sex: and why you might be having it”. Quite different to the heading on the cover; identical to the title of this blog. However, after laughing at the magazine cover I thought, “surely it’s not THAT hard to realise when you’re having a dud root?!” So to find out what the hell these women were going on about, I bought myself a copy.

Now, before we get to my responses, I’ll give you insight to the cleverness which is, Cleo. Some examples were blatantly obvious and common such as; not knowing what your partner wants and walking away from sex unsatisfied, pleasure less, flat and disconnected. Nothing new, and hey – we’ve all been there.

The ‘journalist’ even went so far to suggest that if your man is “cooking, cleaning and wine collecting – you mustn’t be getting laid” – WHAT? Doesn’t that describe a dream man? Or aren’t dream guys good in bed? A story for another day…

I digress, but it got me thinking to what we might be doing to suggest we might not be enjoying sex. Here are just a few…

  1. Taking a phone call
    One of my mates told me that he has not only answered the phone during sex, but said to the partner “hang on, won’t me a minute”, withdrew, and went out of the room to talk to his best mate. The thing I love most is the mate knew exactly what was going on, and said “oh – it’s that bad is it…”
    Note: This does not include the novelty of answering the phone during sex when both of you are in on the act.
  2. Non-sexual task-masting
    I’ve once asked a boy to pass me a glass of water while he fucking me… to which he was quite surprised. “No – don’t get out! Stay in, and just reach over for the glass for me… yeah – thanks… ok – keep going…” Obviously my mind was elsewhere… which brings me to my next point.
  3. Note taking
    Yes – I’m serious. Not only has one been thinking about work during sex, but was also compelled to say “hang on; I just gotta make a note about something…”

I’d like to offer an answer on how to start enjoying sex, but the problem is, if you’re already in the act – there’s not much you can do about it. If this is during a relationship though, you’re gonna have to approach the subject and talk about what you like, and what you’d rather not do.

Until next time – I’d love to hear some of your cringe stories!

Triangle of compatibility: Can you really have everything?

Posted by James Findlay on March 31st, 2010

Triangle of Compatibility

Triangle of Compatibility

Apparently we can’t have everything. My Auntie however has always questioned this concept with the simple “WHY NOT?!”… and you know what – why the fuck not?! But when it comes to dating and relationships, is it really possible to have everything? And if we DO find everything, does that mean we’ve possibly found Mr Right?

After some serious thinking, I came up with this Triangle of Compatibility. The rule being, you can only usually get two out of the three [god forbid you only get one…], but if you get the three – you hit the jackpot. The triangle is simple. In one corner you have good in bed, attractiveness, and personality in the other.

Combination definitions:
•    Attractive and good in bed: we all know the majority of these people don’t have personalities.
•   Attractive and compatible personality: these people are usually not good in bed BECAUSE THEY DON’T NEED TO BE! [well they don’t think so anyway]
•    Compatible personality and good in bed: unfortunately looks usually lack in this department, but sometimes the personality can overpower the looks and can become a complete triangle [apparently]…

So there we go – who would have thought categorising and judging people would be so easy?! It’s sad, but unfortunately, it’s kinda true.

Of course there are flaws – all theories do. For example, it does not take into consideration commitment-phobes and people in relationships [though these both could come under the personality category].

Bless my housemate who confessed after I put this theory to him, “man, I think you might be on to something here… but I have really don’t have the experience to comment properly on this…”

What do you think? As ridiculous as it sounds, is it a sad reality? Mind you, if anyone finds someone who matches all three – give them my number please.

If in doubt – GET OUT! Signs you know it’s over.

Posted by James Findlay on March 25th, 2010

... ok - this image MIGHT be an exaggeration...

Right when I thought I might be interested in continuing to see a certain someone, a boy who was keen to date me for months [who I wasn’t interested in] said to me “I’ll give you one piece of advice – if in doubt – GET OUT!” At the time I thought, “sure, that sounds simple enough…” but it wasn’t until I actually found myself in that position that giving up or getting out could be so hard…

I love spooning. Like – you have no idea how much I love it. I’m putting it right next to roast lamb and the Google Map application on the iPhone. And I don’t care how hot it is – if you like spooning too, you will become SO sweaty that it turns sexy. So one morning when I lay my hand on the boy I hear “James, I’m trying to sleep”, is probably a sign to get out. So I did – and went downstairs to read the paper. If you’re too hot – take off the fucking doona.

Now – the continuous debate on what speed a relationship should move [don’t worry, there’s a blog on this coming up soon]. I am notoriously known for moving too fast, and I thought I’d learnt my lesson. So when we were seeing each other once, sometimes twice a week, I thought I was doing the right thing. That’s why I totally wasn’t expecting the “YOU CALL THIS SLOW?” comment one Sunday afternoon.  Yep – this is probably another sign…

Other signs include making plans on meeting his friends being cancelled and comments like “I’m going to be really busy” and “I’m tired” – All, of course, could be coincidence.

You know it’s definitely time to get out when you start taking relationship advice from your straight mates [no offence boys]. They were the only ones giving me the advice I actually wanted to hear – that’s another sign…

So why did do we keep going on with the merry-go-round when we know it’s not going to work? Well, I wanted it to work, and I didn’t want to take the risk of ‘over-thinking’ the situation and making a wrong move.

If you’re not interested, do the best thing and break it off, because you see – some of us hang on trying to re-live the fun that happened in the past.

As it turns out, I may have been overreacting with this whole situation and the boy in question may not have been intentionally trying to bring the relationship to an end. I feel though, if these things are happening subconsciously; it’s probably best move on and get out.

Even if it will be a stab in the heart.

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